Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
