Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
