My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
