Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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