I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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