I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
