I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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