We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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