Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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