I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it was like eating out sand paper
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
