he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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