omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
