My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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