Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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