They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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