You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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