Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My balls are so social today.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
