You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
