Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
