My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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