I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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