Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
