So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
