A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
