i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
