Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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