Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My bed smells like the plague
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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