Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize