i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
