Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
