Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
