I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
His nipple licking is glorious
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