I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
