Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
