I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
