dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
