i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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