I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
