if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
