Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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