So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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