OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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