Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
