What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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