my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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