Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
