Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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