Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
