God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize