don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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