I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
