she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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