whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
