I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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