I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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